Can't We Just Try?
by shortstackedcheesecake
Summary: If Eric had his stubborn way, he'd deny his feelings forever. But Kyle's not going to let that happen. Rated M.


**A/N:** _Yes, the title is taken from '_ Tweek x Craig _'. That episode, damn, it was brilliant. I'm happy for the Creek shippers and I loved the moments between Tweek and Craig, but since I'm Eric trash then his storyline was a bigger deal to me. Hence this fic came out of it. And of course I had to make it Kyman. But it actually happened at the perfect time because I finally got around to watching the third and fourth series of Skins (and picked up a new ship, Naomily). So this is loosely inspired by their storyline in the third series, specifically. Hope you enjoy! And thank you for reading!_

* * *

"I won't tell anybody," Kyle said, as he walked Eric to his front door. When the hell did he decide to start doing that?

 _Probably after he randomly made out with you on his couch._

"What?" Eric asked, still distracted and hazy from the admittedly mind-melting kiss. Not to mention still in complete shock over Kyle's boldness, the way his lips felt against his own, the way his fingers dug into him when Kyle pulled him closer, and that he had even kissed him in the first place.

Since when did Kyle do that? Since when did Eric want to kiss him back?

 _Don't pull at that thread._

Kyle sighed, gaze trying desperately hard to avoid Eric.

"I won't tell anybody if that's what you want?" Kyle asked, shoulders hunched self-consciously and voice weighted with disappointment, despite the freckles melting into rosy cheeks, his darkened eyes.

Infuriating and irresistible.

"Yeah," Eric nodded, vying for coherency. He felt icy air at the nape of his neck, skin still burning from where Kyle had clutched him. He hoped the chill would rub off on him, ensuring that he wouldn't falter. Or give in. "It never happened."

Kyle's eyes met Eric's, soft hurt mingling with simmering arousal.

"Right," Kyle said, forcing a smile.

It should have been Eric's cue to leave, but his feet remained rooted to the ground.

"So-"

"So-"

Eric pursed his lips, watching Kyle run a hand through his curls and turn away from him coyly. Aloof and adorable and beautiful in a way only Kyle could be.

Frankly, it terrified Eric.

"See you," Eric said, sparing them from further awkwardness but denying further great mistakes.

"Yeah," Kyle smiled sadly. "I'll see you later."

Somehow, Eric found it in himself to walk away.

* * *

The sound of Eric's phone vibrating against his nightstand sliced through yet another feverish replay of that kiss. His subconscious had failed to water down the feeling of Kyle's flushed lips, his hot, minty taste, how his pupils nearly blotted out sour green irises when he leaned in close.

Pathetically, Eric had memorised the afternoon without even realising it; the usual competitive conversation they had whenever they played video games quickly becoming flirtatious, the proposition Kyle had made that Eric thought was a joke, the moment of thick silence when Eric realised it wasn't. Then the slow, chaste kiss; lips carefully dragging over each other while their hearts were racing. Then things got surer and hotter and wetter, tongues and hands and muffled noises coming into play, video game forgotten for something much more enjoyable. Though Eric loathed to admit it, another slight to what he tried to be so sure of.

Snatching the phone before he got too carried away with his thoughts, he sighed heavily when he saw who was calling him.

"What?" Eric snapped, half-asleep and already flustered.

"Hi," Kyle's voice bristled down the line. "Um…"

A heavy silence filled with soft breathing.

"Kyle?" Eric asked, eyebrows furrowing.

"Can we talk?" Kyle finally blurted out. "Please?"

 _Shit. I thought we were letting this go._

Eric sat up in bed, running a hand through his hair. He didn't know what time it was but he knew it was too early to be discussing this. He wanted to avoid the conversation for as long as he could.

"Now?" Eric complained, before trying to act aloof. "About what?"

"You know what…"

He'd forgotten that Kyle was skilled in seeing right through him.

"God damn it, Kyle," Eric grumbled. "I thought-"

"Please, Cartman," Kyle cut in, and Eric's heart creaked with the foreign weight of sympathy. It seemed he'd also forgotten what kind of affect Kyle had on him, though the latest incident was fresh in his memory.

"Fine," Eric sighed.

"I'll see you at Stark's."

"Alright."

"Bye," Kyle said, before Eric hung up wordlessly.

* * *

When Eric arrived at Stark's, Kyle was sitting at the lone bench that overlooked the pond. If you were going to have a difficult conversation, you might as well look at something nice while you're having it.

The idyllic setting wasn't exactly befitting of them; the pastel sky, the sweet, stinging air, the sun spilling onto the snow and the water as it rose, glittering and shimmering. The snow globe scene was barricaded by a conifer treeline, but somehow Eric and Kyle and their messy, complicated relationship had infiltrated it.

"It's really pretty here in the morning," Kyle commented, still looking out at the only part of their town that had known peace.

Eric had been looking at the pond too, for fear of melting if he glanced at Kyle. But the sound of Kyle's voice drew him in, his profile illuminated by the morning sun.

Near blinding, Eric didn't stare for too long.

"It's pretty all the time," Eric returned.

"I never noticed before," Kyle said. "When we were kids."

"Me neither," A half smile tugged at Eric's mouth, like a part of his frosty reserve was melting. "We were too busy pelting each other with snowballs, or trying to skate when the pond had frozen over."

"Yeah," Kyle chuckled, his voice trailed off. "Fun…"

Eric had wisely put some distance between them when he sat on the bench, and both their hands were tucked into their jacket pockets. Kyle had revealed himself to be more unpredictable than Eric previously thought, so he had no idea how to play this situation subtly.

"Kyle, can we just get this over with?" Eric asked, looking at Kyle again and hoping Kyle would do the same. "I want to go back to bed."

"Fine," Kyle sighed, gaze sliding from the pond and matching Eric's golden stare. "I just wanted to make sure you didn't feel weird about what happened yesterday."

Warm hands balling and jaw locked, Eric tried to think of a response that would allow him to have the upper hand. But maybe it was too late for that, when neither of them were exactly in a stronger position than the other. All they had was honesty and slip-ups. But what could Eric tell Kyle? That he hadn't stopped thinking about their kiss? That being in Kyle's company was making him experience withdrawal already? That there was no way for Eric _not_ to feel weird, when he had felt weird and doubtful and scared for years?

"Why would you think that things would be weird?" Eric instead asked. "I told you, nothing happened."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Yeah, except it did."

"Well, what do you want from me?" Eric replied, inwardly cursing himself for being so defensive.

"To acknowledge it, and be okay with it," Kyle said testily, as if it were that simple. "That's all I want."

Eric had definitely acknowledged it, as for being okay with it… How could he be okay with it when he wasn't totally okay with himself?

"I can do that," Eric partially lied. "It's no big deal."

Kyle couldn't disguise his wince, that brief flash of hurt, from Eric. Nor could Eric comfort Kyle or take his words back. Whatever was running through Kyle's mind right now, Eric needed to dissuade immediately. Giving into Kyle would mean giving into something much bigger that Eric still – after all this time – believed he could push past.

"If I didn't think you were gay, I wouldn't have-"

"I'm not gay!" Eric shouted, face red already.

Kyle blinked, surprised and amused by Eric's reaction.

"Oh," Kyle said, not knowing where to look. "I just-"

"What?" Eric snapped, his blush thankfully dissipating but he still felt stuffy.

Laughter bubbled at Kyle's lips, escaping when he said, "I just always thought you were…"

"It's not funny, asshole!" Eric scowled, leg reaching out and kicking Kyle's foot.

"I, I know it's not," Kyle said, trying to compose himself. He looked at Eric with gleaming, sincere eyes. "Sorry."

Eric nodded, irritation still clouding his face.

They were back to silence, but not the calm one of before. It was crackling and bloated, unspoken words forcing Eric and Kyle closer. Applying the necessary pressure for them to cave in and talk.

"Well, are you?" Eric asked, still affronted.

"What?"

"Gay?"

They were looking at each other again, Eric waiting for an answer that Kyle was still contemplating. Or preparing himself for. Emerald eyes roamed Eric's face, drawn to his mouth like a magnet. Eric felt himself shrink beneath winter layers. Mercifully, Kyle turned his attention the pond before swiftly returning to Eric's patient, trained eyes.

"Yeah," Kyle nodded.

It was Eric's turn to blink now, surprise and unwanted excitement fought for dominance in his gut, but thrumming arousal was the overall champion.

"How come I didn't know before?" Eric asked, sounding only slightly offended.

Kyle glanced at his lap. "Because I haven't told anybody yet."

Sympathy tugged at Eric's heart and the corners of his mouth, while Kyle's eyes remained uncomfortably rooted to the snowy ground.

"You really thought I was gay?" Eric asked quietly, he feared the answer.

"Honestly?" Kyle said, finally looking up again.

"Yeah?"

"I still do."

"What?!" Eric snapped. "I just told you I wasn't!"

Kyle removed his hands from his pockets, raising them in defence. "There's evidence to support the contrary!" He pointed out, laughing. "Like the fact that you kissed me, yesterday…"

"Hey!" Eric retorted, crumbling with laughter now that Kyle was. "You kissed me!"

"But you kissed back," Kyle reminded him, like Eric needed to be. "You could've stopped it, but you didn't."

 _Except I would have been crazy as hell to stop it._

Despite how wrong Eric tried to convince himself it was, he refused to believe that something that felt so good could be a bad thing.

"Maybe I didn't want to hurt your feelings?" Eric shrugged with a smirk.

"Like you've ever given a shit about hurting anybody's feelings!" Kyle said incredulously. "Especially mine!"

Eric shook his head, but his smirk never wavered.

"You obviously enjoyed it," Kyle said, voice sultry and teasing and going straight to Eric's crotch.

"You're a good kisser," Eric replied casually, but to his ears, his voice was drowned out by his pounding heart.

Kyle's eyebrows rose, smile widening. It was empowering – in a scary, overwhelming way – to know Eric could have that effect on Kyle.

"Really?" Kyle asked, shifting a little closer but Eric didn't mind.

"Yeah," Eric answered. "So if I liked pussy or dick it wouldn't matter because you're just that good."

Kyle chuckled under his breath, gaze wandering before he replied, "thanks. You're not so bad either."

In Eric's stunned silence, Kyle had fixed his attention to the pond again.

"It's peaceful, isn't it?" He said. "This place…"

"I guess," Eric shrugged. "If you appreciate stuff like that."

"Hmm. Romantic too," Kyle added, letting the words float like leaves on water.

"Oh God…" Eric groaned, rolling his eyes. He wanted to smother the words no matter how inviting.

"What?"

"You're not going to get me that easily, Kyle," Eric smiled knowingly.

"What do you mean?" Kyle asked, challenging Eric as always.

"You're flirting with me," Eric replied. "In a really cheesy way, which I should have expected from you."

Kyle grinned sheepishly.

"No," he shook his head. "Just making conversation."

"If you want something, just ask me," Eric sighed, exasperated. He feared his words would stumble over his nerves, when he said, "I might say yes."

Kyle's eyes flashed when he blinked, and Eric's mouth felt heavy as he waited for Kyle's question.

Clearing his throat, Kyle shuffled a little closer and said: "What happened yesterday, was too good to only do once."

A smile concealed excitement Eric should have ignored.

Kyle was already leaning in with hooded eyes when he asked, "so can we do it again?"

Eric gulped in response, brow knitting together in embarrassment before he closed his eyes and nodded.

His spine stiffened when Kyle's lips landed on his chastely, a purposeful kiss melting into something innocent and unassuming, and Eric felt his insecurities momentarily slip from his shoulders.

He kept Kyle's plush lips on his for as long as he could, thankful that Kyle wasn't vying for more just yet. Yesterday was spontaneous, this was measured and planned and in hindsight what Eric had needed.

But there was still just one thing…

Eric's mouth opened, and he could hear Kyle's breath hitch, feel it on his skin.

"Somebody could see us…" Eric pointed out.

Kyle shook his head, shoulder bumping against Eric's arm.

"Don't worry," Kyle said, another chaste, reassuring peck. "It's just the two of us."

That sentiment was just as comforting as Kyle's velvety tone, and Eric smiled into Kyle's lips as he returned the kiss.

"I like the sound of that," Eric whispered in the tiny space between their mouths.

"Me too," Kyle replied, before closing the gap again.

Fortified and greedy, Eric readily deepened the kiss. Indulgent rather than urgent, warm rather than sizzling, but no less amazing than yesterday. Sunlight and birdsong filtered through the kiss, and Eric felt like that caged up part of him had been temporarily liberated under Kyle's reassurances.

"How about we make this spot officially ours?" Kyle asked, as they both came up for air.

Away from Kyle's lips, those words made fear sting in Eric's chest.

"That makes us sound like boyfriends," he pointed out.

"No," Kyle shook his head, sensing the nervousness there but ignoring it with a peck.

"We don't have to be anything," Kyle added, punctuated with another kiss. "Like I said, just us."

 _Just us._

Eric wanted to scrawl it in the snow.

* * *

The town was still in the small, insignificant distance when Eric had held Kyle's hand.

It was something he had been considering while they made out on the bench, gone were the frantic, desperate clutches of yesterday, that desire to catalogue every inch of each other. Their hands had instead been placed at their sides or in their pockets, seemingly content to lose themselves in kisses.

But Eric wanted a stronger intertwinement, a more secure clasp than damp lips. Maybe because a part of him was still terrified, (a heady reminder when he had pulled away from Kyle's intoxicating kiss) and with the words ' _Just us'_ echoing, he needed to be reminded that right now, on that bench, he and Kyle were all that mattered. More than labels and people and truths and impressions.

When Eric had reached out, grasped Kyle's fingers in his own, saw the happiness and surprise brimming on Kyle's face before he squeezed back, he felt a little surer… He didn't know where he belonged, but he hoped it was somewhere Kyle was.

The deserted neighbourhood on a Saturday morning made Eric brave… or reckless. Pace breezy, conversation littered with chuckles not exactly common of he and Kyle, and fingers linked with tentative acceptance.

Kyle's house was in sight, and Eric had agreed to hang out there for a couple of hours. Although a part of him was dying to shake out of this, another part wanted to keep it just him and Kyle, suspended and naïve, for as long as he could. But which part to listen to? What was bravery and cowardice, rational and impulsive, anymore?

Eric had a feeling he'd find the answer, when he saw Clyde and his friends coming towards them. Still in the distance, paying no attention to the bizarre display Eric had found himself in.

 _Fuck._

Eric let go of Kyle's hand, hoping Kyle would get why he was doing this, that their conversation at Stark's had indicated the start of a new understanding. It didn't stop the ache in Eric's chest from crawling up his throat, threatening to sting his eyes. Eric wasn't one for crying in public (only crocodile tears were allowed), but this was such a sore spot, even an ounce of pressure or exposure was painful. And Kyle was there to see it, potentially Clyde and those douchebags too.

Seconds that felt like hours later, Kyle reached out. Warm, familiar fingers skimmed Eric's wrist, then his palm. A thumb hooked him, fingers wrapped around his hand and squeezed. Brave and assured, qualities in Kyle that Eric may have magnified, but also admired and envied.

He wanted to trust Kyle, to show him that he could be deserving, give Kyle something to adore in him because right now, Eric had nothing.

To ensure that Kyle couldn't hold his hand again, he let go and tucked both his hands into his jacket pockets. Anybody could've seen them after all, why did they act so stupid? Why did Eric have to slip-up and give in? Every time?

He had to get away from Kyle, for he was the one who had indulged Eric in the side of himself he tried to bury. Eric couldn't help but resent him.

Biting back a frustrated sigh, Eric crossed the street wordlessly, not looking back. He hated Kyle for making him feel like this, he hated those guys for bringing him back to reality, for caring too much about what they thought and maybe he hated himself a little too.

"Cartman, wait, where are you going?" Kyle asked, irritation masking hurt.

"Home," Eric replied tersely, hearing no footsteps behind him.

* * *

Cowardice won out.

Eric didn't talk to Kyle for a week, spending his spare time with Butters rather than his usual group. Luckily, Butters didn't question him too much and Eric was quick to shoot down any concern that was thrown his way.

Still, Eric couldn't avoid Kyle completely. He didn't know if that was a silver lining or a regular storm cloud. They passed each other in the hallways, fragile gaze lingering for as long as it could before it snapped, brittle and embarrassed. Their shared pride only driving a bigger wedge between them. Fleeting glances could only communicate so much, and the longer their stares grew, the more heavily Eric could feel Kyle's eyes on him from across the cafeteria, the more it appeared they both had to say.

But Eric was willing to keep all his jumbled words inside until he combusted. He knew he had hurt Kyle, and that was more difficult to face than ever.

Their school, their town was a small place. Being alone together was inevitable. In another week or a month or-

Right now.

When Eric had walked into the restroom only to see Kyle, washing his hands.

"Hey," Kyle, predictably, was the first to speak.

Eric bowed his head and walked straight past him. "Hi…"

The sound of running water stopped, but the silence wouldn't last for long.

"Why did you let go of my hand?"

Eric didn't look at Kyle, trying to hide his face because it would have revealed too much. But perhaps this conversation needed to be had? Eric stared up at the ceiling, perfecting a stony face before he looked back at Kyle. He had no such mask, or maybe Eric could just see right through it?

"Because I wanted to," Eric lied, before quickly changing the subject. "Is this how you think we're acting now? I can't do anything without you getting sand in your vagina and flipping out like a fucking drama queen?"

Kyle shook his head indignantly. "Oh my God…"

"What?"

"You're unbelievable!" Kyle snapped, before ripping a paper towel from the dispenser.

"How?" Eric challenged, stepping forward. Closing the gap between them may have been dangerous but he couldn't think about that.

"All you just said was bullshit!" Kyle ranted, stepping forward too. Eric's extra three inches having no effect on him. "You're the one who held my hand in the first place! Then freaked out and left me! _You_ overreacted here!"

Eric turned away, wound up and breathing harshly. He caught his reflection in the mirror and his defensive countenance could have cracked.

"What you really meant is that you didn't want anybody to see us holding hands," Kyle continued. Maybe he didn't need masks or height because he had the truth instead.

"And what's wrong with that?" Eric asked, a genuine question. "You're not even out yet, don't you care a little what people think?"

A tiny crease in Kyle's brow, a twitch, a noticeable wince.

Kyle's eyes roamed the restroom. He had already found Eric's sore spot, now Eric had discovered his.

"You don't know anything about why I haven't come out yet!" Kyle replied, flustered.

"You're avoiding the question, Kyle," Eric pressed, although a part of him didn't give a shit about the reasons why Kyle hadn't come out. He couldn't criticise him, after all.

"What, like you've been avoiding me?" Kyle retorted, enough to wind Eric with guilt.

"You've barely looked at me all week!" Kyle continued, voice splintering. "What am I supposed to think?!"

"I don't know, Kyle!" Eric shouted, he'd had enough of Kyle making him feel like shit when he had no idea. "Maybe this is what you deserve for getting your hopes up!"

"What the hell are you talking about?!"

 _Take it back._

But Eric couldn't. Regardless of the greatness before this mess, Eric believed he didn't want it deep down. He _had_ to believe it.

"All of this," Eric began, but he could feel the words shaking in his throat. He hoped Kyle wouldn't do anything to make him crumble, make him weak. "All of this drama and childishness is because you want me to be something I'm not!"

"Or _you_ want to be something you're not!" Kyle countered, the trigger to decimation.

Eric had been trying to outrun Kyle, to hide from him, from a lot of things. But he couldn't run anymore, Kyle had caught up to him.

"Kyle-"

"Whatever," Kyle shook his head, gaze avoiding Eric, when he was pining for it more than ever.

Eric watched Kyle walk to the door, wishing he was brave enough to say something.

"I'll see you at Bebe's party, right?" Kyle asked, cold.

Eric nodded, if Kyle could even see him.

He stood there, stupidly stubborn as he watched Kyle leave.

* * *

There was an upside to being teetotal at a drunken high school party. You were far less likely to do something embarrassing when you were sober. At least, that's how Eric felt. Admittedly, there were downsides. Like, missing out on the fun of drinking (although Eric didn't see what was so enjoyable about lowered inhibitions and dulled senses), or the uneasiness of seeing your friends getting wasted.

His and Kyle's argument in the restroom wasn't exactly a truce, more like a not so pleasant respite from their excruciating silence.

And watching Kyle make himself yet another drink, left to speculate whether Kyle's uncharacteristic mission to get wasted had anything to do with him, Eric wanted more than ever to break that silence.

"Don't you think you should ease up on that?" Eric asked Kyle when he finally had the courage.

"You're talking to me now?" Kyle replied, not looking at Eric as he poured himself a drink.

Eric sighed, inaudible over the thumping music. "Come on, Kyle-"

"No!" Kyle shouted, stumbling as he did so. His drink sloshed out of the cup, dribbled down his fingers. "I thought you didn't give a shit about me!"

Even though Kyle was staring at him with glassy eyes, though his words fell lazily from his lips, they were razored enough to sting.

"That's-" Eric began, but withered under the strange power of Kyle's accusing stare. "You know that's not true."

Kyle rolled his eyes and scoffed. "Sure…"

"I don't want you to get hurt, alright?!" Eric snapped.

Kyle didn't flinch, staring Eric down stonily. "Too late."

Eric blinked, stepping back. He couldn't leave Kyle now, he just admitted that he cared. Even before their kiss he had cared, more intensely than he ever cared about anybody.

"Jesus, Kyle-"

But Kyle downed his drink, ignoring Eric completely as he tried to figure out the right thing to say.

Suddenly, Kyle looked up, eyes widening and a damp, loose grin stretched across this face.

"I love this song!" He exclaimed.

"Huh?" Eric said, brow furrowing at Kyle's volatile behaviour.

"Let's dance!" Kyle replied, reaching out for Eric's wrist and softly tugging.

"No way!" Eric shouted, pulling away.

"Come on, Cartman!" Kyle pleaded, and Eric looked around to make sure nobody was listening. "Dance with me!"

"No," Eric said firmly. "You can't dance, and I don't dance."

Kyle shot him a challenging look, setting his cup down on the table and sidling up to Eric. His eyes were lidded, and the scent of alcohol on his breath was enough to make Eric's chest tight. So brazen and bold, infuriating and gorgeous, all Eric was wanting but the last thing he needed. His eyes darted between Kyle and the crowd of inebriated teenagers jostling around them, but Kyle was his downfall. He felt exhausted and powerless, he just wanted to collapse into Kyle's arms.

Kyle's knee tapped against his, and Eric's breath hitched. His pants getting tight as well as his breath, the bassline of the song drowning out Eric's heart.

 _Why the fuck is Kyle doing this? Why does he have to make this so difficult?_

Kyle's voice was honeyed when he said, "There were a lot of things you hadn't done before I-"

"Knock it off, Kyle!" Eric said, shoving Kyle away from him.

"Hey!" Kyle shouted, eyes flashing and face creased with anger.

"What the fuck do you want from me?" Eric demanded, his body was stinging with sweat, arousal, and embarrassment. He was almost seething when he matched Kyle's stare.

Their kiss had seemed to unlock a wider spectrum of emotions, soaring and crashing before each other's eyes. Kyle's drunken irritation melted into crumpled sadness, and Eric felt something fold in him too; his pride, his anger, his ability to hold out.

"I just want you to notice me…" Kyle murmured, head down, his voice lost in the music. Eric was sure he had heard him right, but it still didn't make any sense.

"What?" Eric asked, tentatively stepping closer.

Kyle looked up, lip wobbling and eyes glistening. "I want you to notice me!"

"What are you talking about?" Eric said, even if Kyle was drunk, how could he say something like that?

"Notice me!" Kyle cried, pushing Eric away from him and catching the attention of some partygoers. "Notice me! Notice me!"

Before Eric could tell Kyle to calm down, or do anything to make him stop talking, Kyle grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him to his lips.

Everything in Eric was screaming to push Kyle away, get him alone and try to get through to him that they couldn't keep doing this anymore but… Kyle's lips and his fingers nearly boring into his heart and that taste of alcohol that seemed glorious on Kyle and Stark's Pond and all that came before it; how Kyle was a broken record in Eric's mind, forever jumping and twitching but a symphony nonetheless. All of that, it was too powerful to resist. But he resented it and hated it and couldn't live without it and he loved it too.

It wasn't long before Eric was returning the kiss fervently, pouring everything he felt into it. Maybe then Kyle would understand, or maybe Kyle's bravery would rub off on him, maybe they would meld and fuse and Eric wouldn't ever have to feel lonely again. Just them, _just us,_ always.

Pushing his tongue into Kyle's mouth felt like finding the hot, soft center to a candy. The taste was fiery and bitter, literally intoxicating. After years of hiding behind a hardened mask, Eric wanted to sob in relief at the feeling of tearing those walls down.

A few scandalized laughs and a wolf-whistle had Eric's defences rising again. Mind running on adrenaline and fear, Eric shoved Kyle off him, searching Kyle's own panic-stricken face with wide eyes.

That resentment returned tenfold, for everybody in the room. But mostly for the part of himself he was forever trying to outrun.

Kyle's expression crumbled again, apologetically this time. "Cartman, I-"

Eric didn't want to hear it, storming out before Kyle could finish.

* * *

It seemed the entire universe was rallying for Eric to give up and cry.

The harsh, snowy wind against his face, the dull ache persisting in his chest, the eyes of those douches at the party he could still feel on him, the taste of Kyle in his mouth, and Kyle himself.

Calling after him, the most painful, persistent thing the universe could throw at Eric.

"Cartman!" Kyle called, Eric could hear his hurried footsteps and he quickened his own pace, maintaining a tight grip on himself.

"Cartman, wait!" Kyle pleaded. "I'm sorry!"

"I don't care!" Eric snapped, glancing back for only a second. "I don't care if you're sorry, just leave me alone!"

"Cartman, please!" Kyle begged. "I didn't mean to-"

Eric gritted his teeth, fed up and heartsick. He turned around, angry and looming over Kyle, stopping him in his tracks.

"Shut the fuck up, Kyle!" Eric shouted, his voice still waterlogged. "I'm done with you!"

Kyle was unsteady on his feet as it was, if the wind picked up a little then maybe he would have drifted away. But he didn't need the wind, when Eric had seemed to do just a good job of knocking him down.

"What?" He asked, eyebrows pulling together.

"I'm done with you!" Eric repeated, the words refracting tearfully on Kyle's face, but he was already growing blurry in Eric's vision. "I am, I can't… I can't keep feeling like this! You bring out this side of me, and you make me do these things, I can't… I can't be around you anymore! I can't deal with this!"

Eric bit his lip to stop it trembling, turning around and continuing to walk before a devastated Kyle could floor him.

But if this whole ordeal had taught Eric anything, it was that Kyle didn't let things go easily. Especially him.

"Cartman, come on!" Kyle called after him, his footsteps twinned with Eric's. "Please! I know you don't-"

"God, Kyle! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Eric cried, turning around once again. Kyle flinched, he must have looked insane in Kyle's eyes but he had driven him crazy. "Leave me alone! What part of that don't you understand?!"

Kyle sighed, frustrated and inarticulate, staring up at the starry sky. "Nothing, I…"

"What?!" Eric demanded, unwisely stepping forward. As if he hadn't learned anything.

"I… I know what you're saying but…" Kyle was breathing harshly now, and Eric couldn't help but be concerned. "Please, Cartman, I never meant to… I…"

And while Eric was dying for Kyle to just spit his words out, he wasn't prepared for the ugly retch and the vomit that splashed onto the sidewalk.

Eric's nose wrinkled, and he sighed. "Jesus Christ…"

As Kyle whimpered pitifully, emptying the contents of his stomach, Eric forgot their argument. Instead he went over to Kyle and tried to soothe him, rubbing his back if that was even at all helpful.

"I'm sorry," Kyle groaned, clutching his stomach. "I'm so sorry."

"God damn it," Eric muttered, fingers tracing Kyle's spine. "Its fine-"

"For everything," Kyle reiterated. "I'm sorry for everything. But please, I don't want to lose you."

Eric's stubbornness, his denial drowned in Kyle's honesty.

"I don't want to lose you either," Eric whispered.

"Come on," Eric added, helping Kyle steady himself. "You can stay at my house tonight."

And despite his better judgement, Eric held Kyle's hand all the way home.

* * *

"You can sleep here," Eric said as he draped a blanket over Kyle.

Amongst the thick pillows, Kyle looked so small. He slurped at a cup of coffee Eric made for him, in the hopes of sobering him up. His face was pale and clammy in the glare of the living room lights, he looked cold but Eric could feel the warmth of his body under the blanket.

"Cartman, about earlier I-"

"I don't want to talk about it, Kyle," Eric quickly interrupted.

"But-"

"Tomorrow, maybe," Eric cut in firmly. "Just not now,"

Kyle frowned, but nodded. "Alright."

Eric's gaze remained on Kyle, worn and in need of comforting. But Eric felt like he had done all he could do, short of physical comfort, and he didn't like what that could lead to. At least he told himself he didn't.

"I'm, uh, going to bed," Eric said, rising from the couch that was Kyle's bed for the night.

"Okay," Kyle said softly, before saying a little louder, "thanks for everything, Cartman."

Eric turned to Kyle, the shy smile on his face was infectious.

"Good night," Eric said, as he switched off the light.

* * *

Knowing that Kyle was downstairs, made it all the more difficult for Eric to sleep. There were so many unspoken things between them, now more than ever, things that Eric had decided to leave until tomorrow. He had underestimated their urgency, but something was holding him back from going downstairs and hearing what Kyle had to say. There always seemed to be something holding him back though, scaring him and planting doubt in his mind.

Eric kept his back to the door, hunched under the covers in the darkened room. But then, a shy splinter of light found its way in.

"Cartman?" Kyle whispered. "Are you awake?"

"Yeah?" Eric replied, remaining rigid.

"Can I come in?"

"Why?" Eric asked, though his heart was sprinting.

"I want to talk to you," Kyle replied.

"Fine," Eric said, switching his lamp on as Kyle entered his room.

He had sobered up considerably, his once loose body perhaps too tight now; hands clasped and shoulders raised.

"Hey, um, I couldn't sleep," Kyle explained quietly.

"Me neither," Eric replied, sitting up in bed and throwing the covers off him. "So, uh, are you okay?"

"No, I'm not," Kyle answered.

Guilt constricted Eric's chest. "What's up?"

Kyle glanced at Eric's bed before asking, "Can I?"

Eric looked at the rumpled space beside him, he was wary, but realised this conversation had to happen. Even in the early hours of the morning. He nodded, and Kyle shot him a tight, grateful smile as he sat down.

Eric seemed to adopt Kyle's tension, he felt it knot between his shoulder blades as his eyes trained themselves on Kyle's face. But Kyle was too busy fiddling with the creases in the sheets and studying his own knees to notice.

"I'm really sorry for kissing you at that party," Kyle finally said, looking up at Eric when he did. "I don't usually get that drunk, I just… I've had a lot on my mind lately and it was nice to shut down my thoughts for a while. In hindsight though, that wasn't so smart. I didn't mean to hurt you. I…can't stop thinking about you."

Disbelief thawed Eric's nervousness, threatened to make him smile.

"I can't stop thinking about you either," Eric replied, Kyle's honesty seemed to be rubbing off on him. "So I guess we're even."

They both chuckled, smiling sheepishly.

"Right," Kyle nodded, but his smile dissipated. "Anyway, I'm so sorry."

"Apology accepted," Eric said, now that was out of the way perhaps they could tentatively begin discussing the more difficult stuff. "Did you really mean what you said?"

"What did I say?" Kyle asked.

"You think I don't notice you?" The question was rounded with soft incredulity.

"Oh," Kyle blinked, trying to avoid eye contact. "Um, I don't-"

"Kyle that is probably the stupidest thing you have ever said," Eric smiled, then, a lot softer, "how can anybody not notice you?"

Kyle offered him a look of puzzled amusement, making heat flood to Eric's face.

"That sounds bad, but it really isn't," Eric added. "You can be exhausting sometimes, but you're so bright, and… and beautiful. You've always been."

"Really?" Kyle asked, voice faint.

Eric nodded, somehow it felt good not being able to take it back.

Kyle looked at the window, blinds closed, before he took a deep breath and said, "I know we've hurt each other a lot..."

Eric was thrown off by the serious trajectory the conversation had taken, but let Kyle continue.

"We've pushed each other to our limits, and as a kid I was used to it," Kyle said. "Because there was always a way to get you back, somehow I always felt I had an advantage over you. But for the past few years, I feel like I've lost. Like I've lost myself to you, without you even trying. And you ignoring me, after what happened… it was so fucking painful."

Even in the muted light of the room, Eric could see the wetness in Kyle's eyes. The crack in his voice representing another tear in their fragile relationship. Maybe they were both offering the chance to make it stronger? To start anew, a left turn to change everything Eric had been resisting.

He turned his head away from Kyle, unable to think clearly when he looked so upset. He heard Kyle sniffle, trying to be strong for both of them, before he felt a hand rest on top of his own and squeeze.

Then, a different kind of pressure. A pair of lips against Eric's cheek. His face flushed immediately, but Kyle didn't mind, it was like he was breathing Eric in, every flaw and quality.

"I just wanted you to notice me again," Kyle whispered, so close to Eric's ear that the words slithered icily down his spine. "Like you said you did."

Eric turned his head, Kyle was still so close to him but it wasn't an awkward collision of foreheads and noses. More like a mismatched reflection, clashing on the surface but perfect deep inside.

Kyle smiled warmly before he inched away, giving them both space. But their hands remained intertwined, anchored to the mattress.

"So, did you mean what you said?" Kyle asked, his smile twitched, his hand twitched in Eric's. "That you were done with me?"

Eric stared at Kyle, as if he needed further consideration when he already knew the answer to Kyle's question. He had always known the answer.

"A part of me wishes I was," Eric said honestly. "But I need you, Kyle. More than ever."

Kyle's smile returned, the emotion brimming in his eyes, creasing at the corners. And for the first time, Eric leaned forward and captured Kyle's lips in a kiss.

Kyle froze, but that didn't deter Eric, spurred on by Kyle's shock that he was the one initiating this. But eventually, Kyle softened, falling into the familiarity of Eric's lips. He smiled, breaking the kiss momentarily, before Eric repaired it again, pressing his lips to Kyle's, and pushing his tongue into Kyle's mouth.

Eric's arm wrapped around Kyle's warm waist, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss further, while Kyle's fingers sunk into Eric's thigh, just above his knee.

"But what about the people at the party?" Kyle asked breathlessly in between kisses. "They all saw-"

"I don't care about them," Eric partially lied. He did care about them, but had rendered them unimportant for now.

"I care about you," Eric added, absolutely honest.

Ducking his head, Eric began to kiss at Kyle's neck. It may have seemed minor to some, but it was dangerous and exhilarating for Eric. Especially when Kyle reacted so wonderfully, gasping and tipping his head back slightly, encouraging Eric in his reckless kisses. Those tiny sucks and nips that were sure to leave marks, but Kyle didn't seem to care and neither did Eric. For the first time in a long time, Eric didn't care about the ramifications, the insecurities. Kyle and his honesty were like drugs and right now Eric was soaring.

Both clad in nothing but t-shirts and underwear, their arousal was sure to be obvious, but they had stepped over the threshold. They were in new territory and just like before, there was a thrill and freedom to be found in not being able to go back.

"I want you, Kyle," Eric murmured to Kyle's skin, under his ear so he'd still be able to decipher it.

"I want you too," Kyle confessed, he moaned as Eric nursed a lovebite. "God, I've wanted you for so long."

Grinning, Eric pulled Kyle on top of him, adoring that added weight, their chests rising and falling together and how Kyle's expression of surprise quickly melted into excitement.

"Prove it," Eric whispered, Kyle's curls tangled in his fingers before their mouths collided.

* * *

Faint daylight was streaming through the blinds when Eric woke up. The sun may have been rising, but it was still too early for him. Kyle was unaffected by the new day, faced away from the window but his were limbs still tangled with Eric's, both of their underwear abandoned at the foot of the bed.

Eric had asked Kyle to prove how much he wanted him, and he had definitely done that. Eric could still feel Kyle's curls threaded through his fingers when Kyle was between his legs, when his hips rose and fell in time with Kyle's talented mouth. He could still hear Kyle's soft, poorly concealed groans when he had returned the favour, determined to make Kyle feel just as great as he had. Judging by Kyle's shaking thighs, how he had filled Eric's mouth and…

His name. Kyle had sobbed his name. His _first_ name.

Eric remembered that as he hesitantly reached out and stroked Kyle's sleeping face. Beautiful and bright, even now, because the wonderful events of their stormy night were reflected on it, and everything that made Eric happy shone through.

Kyle was his happiness, he could see that now. Only when he was falling for him.

 _Shit._

Fear made Eric pull away, the comedown to his glorious high. The evidence literally laid out beside him, and he saw more frightening truth there than in any of those rules he had imposed upon himself. The reasons for which were becoming increasingly blurry.

Kyle stirred and Eric flinched, so absorbed in his own thoughts that he had neglected the present.

"What's wrong?" Kyle mumbled into the pillows.

 _Everything._

"Nothing," Eric whispered, frozen.

Eyes still closed, Kyle shuffled closer to Eric, wrapping an arm around his waist and nuzzling into his chest. "It's cold…"

Pressed against Eric, Kyle quickly fell asleep. Eric's heart and mind were still racing, but he took comfort in the boy next to him, holding Kyle close to him and kissing his curls.

* * *

At a more suitable time of day, still wrapped up in Kyle, Eric woke up again. Though he had slept soundly, Kyle a sturdy guard to ward off disturbances, he still wasn't rid of that fear. A clever disguise for a reality he had to face. Like the boy beside Eric, it clung to him.

He and Kyle clearly needed to talk, but not here. It was unfair when Kyle was peacefully sleeping, he didn't deserve to wake up to such a conversation. And Eric needed space to think, something he couldn't do when Kyle was half-naked next to him.

Then there was his mom, who was sure to wake up during a possibly loud conversation and definitely sure to eavesdrop from her bedroom.

It was still early, the blinds had filtered the stark daylight that was sure to weaken by the afternoon.

Eric knew the perfect place they could go, the only place their talk could be had.

He quickly and quietly got dressed, forgoing breakfast because he felt fit to bursting with things other than food, before leaving a note for Kyle on his nightstand:

 _Meet me at our spot._

* * *

"Hey," Kyle's voice cut through the cold, through the perfect morning scene.

"Hi," Eric replied, craning his neck slightly to talk to him.

Eric had been waiting on the bench for an hour, not truly appreciating the beauty of the pond, rather thinking about another gorgeous sight he could be admiring.

"What's going on?" A well-rested but troubled Kyle asked as he sat down next to him.

Eric had spent a lot of the morning in silence already, but clearly he hadn't had his fill, as he revised his carefully planned words again.

"I never asked why you kissed me in the first place," Eric finally replied. "The answer's obvious now, but I think I still need to know."

His gaze slid to Kyle, whose body had twisted to face him rather than the pond they had been so coyly fixated on the last time they were here.

Kyle closed his eyes briefly, taking a small breath.

"I kissed you because I have a huge crush on you," he admitted, his eyes opening as he did. "I have for years and kissing you that first time… I wanted to act on those feelings. I told myself it was to get them out of my system, but really I just wanted to take a chance on you. Even if you didn't feel the same way."

It was an obvious answer, though Eric could hardly believe it whenever he considered the possibility. Somebody as intelligent and compassionate as Kyle? Having a crush on him? Eric's heart jumped into his throat and seemed to temporarily rob him of his words.

"That's a pretty big risk to take on me," Eric said a little shakily.

Kyle smiled, endeared to Eric, and shrugged. "I was desperate."

Another revelation, threatening to make Eric speechless, but he downplayed it with a sympathetic smile.

"I didn't think you'd kiss me back," Kyle continued, gaze trailing off but his voice never wavered. "It may not have seemed like it but I was terrified when I kissed you. I didn't know that this is where it would all lead to."

His attention returned to Eric, a dent in his brow and eyes adopting that familiar glassiness.

"And I'm sorry for that," Kyle added, voice peeling at the edges. "I've been selfish and I got carried away."

Eric felt like he had heard enough apologies from Kyle to last a lifetime. He had appreciated them, though from this new perspective they seemed uncomfortably needless.

"But I can't take all the blame," Kyle said firmly. "You can't put that all on me. I won't apologise for what we did earlier. When we, uh-"

"Yeah," Eric quickly interrupted, they couldn't get side-tracked by that admittedly wonderful tryst. "Kyle, I don't want you to apologise for that. And at the time I meant what I said."

Eric regretted his words as soon as the sentence passed his lips. But he didn't know how else to phrase it, or rather, the correct way meant tender admissions.

"So what's changed?" Kyle asked, curious but mostly hurt.

"I'm not sure," Eric admitted. "But-"

"What?"

Eric sighed, unable to look at Kyle before he answered the question, so he stared at his shoes instead.

"It feels like you're pressuring me to be one thing," Eric answered. "To be a version of me that fits with you."

Eric didn't know what to expect in the silence; gentle reassurances? Guilty admissions? An indignant retort? An empty space next to him?

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Kyle said quietly.

Eric huffed and stood up, despite Kyle's honesty, he didn't believe that Kyle hadn't been cunning in his actions, that he hadn't manipulated the situation only slightly.

"You want me to come out, and I can't do that!" Eric shouted, finally letting that frustrated thought go.

Kyle's eyes widened and his mouth opened just enough for an indignant gasp to escape.

"I don't give a shit if you come out! I don't care if you like guys!" Kyle shouted, just as frustrated but arguably cutting deeper. "And neither does anybody else! The only person who cares is you!"

Eric balked, stepping back, while Kyle remained staunch on the bench.

"Then what the hell do you want from me?!" Eric demanded.

"To admit that you like me, that's all I want!" Kyle said, lurching but resisting the urge to let his exasperation get the better of him. "To know that you'd be willing to give us a chance!"

"How?!" Eric could feel his voice becoming scratchy. "How can I give us a chance when you're not even out yet?!"

Kyle tutted and shook his head. "That's not the point! Nobody has to know about it! You can still give us a chance even if it's a secret, right?"

A compromise Eric should have grabbed and embraced, a boy in front of him to clutch and embrace and twirl in the snow. But he hesitated, stood there with his heels buried in the powder.

"Remember?" Kyle's voice broke, that hot, _soft_ center spilling out. "I told you this was our spot? Just us? We can have that, Eric."

He could have fallen to his knees at the sound of Kyle saying his name, not a mistake in the throes of passion but a deliberate choice. It seemed too good to be true, and Eric knew that it was.

"No we can't, Kyle!" He cried. "There'll never be 'just us'! We can't have this," he threw his arms out wide, Stark's Pond at his fingertips. "Forever! Don't you get that?! Fuck, I didn't think you were so naïve!"

Tears slid down Kyle's cheeks silently, and Eric could tell he was stubbornly biting the inside of his mouth.

"Me neither but I guess that's what happened when I fell in love with you!" Kyle had the courage to blurt out.

Eric stumbled backwards, he now understood what it meant to have his breath taken away.

"You're…" Eric whispered, every shocked word seemed like effort. "You're in love with me? I thought you just had-"

"I know!" Kyle snapped, eyes squeezed shut, releasing a few more tears. His eyes quickly opened again and he swiped at his cheeks. "I know, I thought I did. But this, what I feel, just seems bigger than a crush."

Eric could feel himself shaking, and it had nothing to do with the cold. He knew it, Kyle was going to make him buckle, on his knees in front of this idiotic boy who loved him.

"That's…" Eric paused, when did talking become this difficult? "So stupid, Kyle."

"I know," Kyle replied, softer but still serious. "I know I shouldn't love you but I do… maybe that means I should love you?" He asked, with a small shrug and an adorable, shaky chuckle.

Eric smirked. "That's hard logic to argue with."

Kyle nodded, a crooked smile on his face. "Yeah…"

Eric gazed at Kyle, beaming at him, hopeless and endeared and loved and loving.

"I _do_ want you, Kyle," Eric said, as he sat back down on the bench. "And I do have feelings for you. That's something I can't keep avoiding anymore."

Kyle was getting what he wanted, and Eric realised that he was getting what he wanted too. What he _truly_ wanted.

"So if you're stupid enough to fall in love with me," Eric said, pausing when Kyle looked at him, amused and hopeful. "Then maybe I'm stupid enough to give us a shot."

But there was no doubt at all when Eric held Kyle's hand tightly.

"Just us?" Eric asked, the question paling in comparison to Kyle's bright, contented face.

Kyle kissed his cheek, and Eric closed his eyes and savoured it.

"Just us," Kyle confirmed with a whisper, and Eric still wanted to scrawl it in the snow.


End file.
